


Sidepiece and mistress are two different things

by Prim_the_Amazing



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/M, Missing Scene, minor spoilers for s16 e10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 15:31:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14957268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing
Summary: “Andthisis my sexy mistress,” Tucker says, gesturing at her with his stupid shiny sword that only likes him. The crowd of dirty past people all ooh and ahh, and she can’t help but preen a little even though she’s in full armor and a lot of them are still staring at Tucker’s dumb, dumb sword.“Well, I guess Ihavealways wanted to be a mistress,” she says.





	Sidepiece and mistress are two different things

“And  _ this _ is my sexy mistress,” Tucker says, gesturing at her with his stupid shiny sword that only likes him. The crowd of dirty past people all ooh and ahh, and she can’t help but preen a little even though she’s in full armor and a lot of them are still staring at Tucker’s dumb, dumb sword. 

“Well, I guess I  _ have _ always wanted to be a mistress,” she says. 

“Wait, seriously?” Tucker asks. “You haven’t ever broken someone’s home before?” 

“Sidepiece and mistress are two different things, duh,” she says with a roll of her eyes. She doesn’t feel bad about the sidepiece thing either. If the husband or wife’s shopping around for someone else, it’s already over. She just made sure to get something out of it for herself. “Wait, don’t you need, like, a wife for me to be your mistress? A queen?” 

“Not if I say I don’t!” Tucker says, gushing with cocky bravado like almost always. “I’m the fucking king! Excalibur!” He swings his sword again. The past people gasp theatrically. 

“Jesus, people were easily impressed before television,” she says. 

“I thought only the wife was supposed to be a nag and the mistress was supposed to be cool,” he snips. 

“I can be both,” she decides. 

“Wait, so you _ are _ gonna be my mistress then?” he asks, the only sign so far that he’d ever doubted that she’d instantly accept her new position. She smiles at it. He’s not totally hopeless, he just tries to seem that way for some reason. 

“Sure,” she says with a shrug. “Now, do you know where the Round Table is? I want to see how many bodies that thing can carry before it collapses.” 

“Oh--” Tucker says, excited. 

“You’re not invited. I’m sure you’ve got important king stuff to do, mister important king man.” Maybe if she just rejects him enough times, the nos will just start sliding off his back and she can finally say yes to him without wanting to roll her eyes right out of their sockets. 

“What, but, I’m my own boss! I’m England’s boss! If I say I’ve got enough time for an orgy, I do!” 

“Er, sire,” some past dude in armor says apologetically. “There’s an, um, plague thing, and if you could just use your magical powers to--” 

“Silence!” Tucker snaps panickedly, him and Kai both knowing perfectly well that a time travel gun, a real gun, nor a swishy alien laser sword that only works for one particular douchebag for some asinine reason won’t do shit for the black plague or whatever the fuck. “Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to! The king needs to, er, rest! Recuperate his magical powers after his travels here. Yeah! That makes sense?” 

All of the past people immediately start bowing and apologizing, giving in instantly. 

“And get me some food?” 

“Of course, sire,” someone demurs. 

_ “Good _ food,” he tacks on. “None of that past salmonella shit. Wash your hands! Do you guys know about washing your hands yet?” 

Kai looks on as the crowd praises him on his novel ideas that his mom had probably taught him before he entered kindergarten, someone running off to fetch him something to eat. She groans, rolling her eyes, and walks off to get her mind off of him. 

It doesn’t look like Tucker’s gonna be getting over his ego any time soon while being  _ worshipped as a holy monarch. _ Dick. She mutters some swears to herself, grabs the shirt collar of the next prettiest least stinky person she passes to make angry love to, and doesn’t think about idiotic full of himself Tucker _ at all.  _

At least Mistress Kai has a nice ring to it. 


End file.
